Going back down the childhood rabbit hole
There will be a moment in time when you're reflecting on your childhood and wondering how your parents influenced your thought patterns and habits while growing up. For me, this process started in my middle twenties. I was curious about the struggles my parents had during my childhood and how that might have affected me back then and to this current day.
There are two sides to being sick
For me, these conversations happened with my parents when my dad was sick. In that period he was fighting cancer for over 3 years, during that time our family grew more intimate, naturally there was more space to talk, reflect and listen to each other. My dad was often reflecting and contemplating to find out why he got sick. That set him on a path of self-discovery, that exposed his weaknesses and strengths.
Explore your childhood
For my dad exploring his childhood was difficult. Both his parents passed away at an early age, so he tried talking to his siblings and family friends. He got some insights, but not much. As he grew up in a family with 10 siblings there was little space to give him the attention and love he needed. He also hadn't learned to talk about his emotions as his parents never passed that skill to him. In a way, this generational problem was passed on to my brother and me.
If you think you're nothing like your parents you have some work to do!
My childhood
Fortunately, in my case, my mom was open to talking about the bad and the good things that happened during my childhood. I grew up with an older brother, who was completely different than me. My brother, diagnosed with ADHD was always craving a lot of attention from my parents. He took up lots of space, so naturally, I stayed more in the background.
At that time my parents were both working. My dad had a full-time job and worked often overtime. My mom worked part-time and was more at home. In a way, my dad provided his love through money. He gave us a comfortable life, a house, yearly holidays and provided all the materialistic cravings we needed.
What was lacking was emotional support, a safe place to express thoughts, ideas and comfort. My mom tried to fill that gap, but with a full schedule, taking care of two kids, the household, working part-time and on top of that facing her own demons rooted in her from her childhood, that was not an easy feat.
Good memories
Of course, there are many good moments too: one of the best memories of my childhood happened during our sailboat trips. Our trips took us to the Dutch Islands, but also to Germany and Denmark. Even though the boat was a small space, there was plenty of room to play on the sandbanks and explore the islands. Everyone had their responsibilities and freedom, which created fun moments. On the boat excitement, exploration and freedom were facts and that's exactly what our family needed: a break from routine and a hectic life at home.
Besides that, my parents loved to make good food. Pizza and lasagna from scratch on Sundays and healthy home-cooked food during the weekdays. My mom was always full of energy, social, and caring toward us and others. There was always room to invite people over and my birthday parties were the best.
What i've learned from this
My most important discovery was that my childhood lacked a safe space for sharing feelings and thoughts. A space that allowed me to feel and let go of my emotions whether that's anger, disappointment, or excitement. At the same time being a more sensitive kid caused me to be overstimulated and tired on a daily basis. Lastly, like my dad, it was normal for me to value others over myself. I became a master at pleasing people.
There's increasingly more research being done today about the differences in the nervous system in humans: some humans are more sensitive than others.
At the same time, the things that were lacking also resulted in positive traits. Being more sensitive also made me more empathic and caring towards others. I love to be surrounded by people and do social activities. I think the pleasing skill is also a good trait when you're using it the correct way. And after all the sailing trips I still highly value exploration, and traveling, while keeping an open mindset.
Acceptance and compassion
I hold the opinion that my parents did the best they could with the available knowledge back then to raise us. It's easy to blame them for the mistakes they made, but that's not the right way. In the end, their parents gave them similar issues which created these unhealthy family traits.
To blame and hold anger doesn't solve anything, that's a slippery slope to be on.
Of course, I sometimes wish it would be different, but it's something I cannot control anymore. I can however control the present and it's up to me to keep solving these problems and don't pass them on to a possible next generation. ;)
Now
Over the years, after trying different methods these insights have led me to implement some routines/habits in my current life on an ongoing basis. The most important ones are:
- Taking a cooldown. To allow me to recharge after over-stimulated days.
- Creating a safe space for sharing feelings and thoughts.
- Surround myself with people who I feel comfortable with and understand my problems.
- Finding my own identity and authenticity through writing and programming.
- Finding the right balance between pleasing other people and prioritizing what I want.
Grow beyond your parents and give advice back
Now, that I have passed the magical 30 years age border, I have been giving advice back to my parents and that feels great. The roles have changed. I have grown and I've grown to care more about their health and mindset. I'm only as impressed and grateful that my mom is actively changing and listening to all the things I have learned on my journey that's called life.
On a side note
It's never too late to explore these topics, even at an older age. Or if your parents passed away reach out to family and friends that you have known since childhood. Having insight into these processes can give you valuable feedback on possible mental prisons or unhealthy thought processes that you've developed during your childhood and teenage years.
Recommended resources:
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A website about research for sensitivity in humans: Sensitivity research
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A book & blog about the tools and research to aid more sensitive humans. The highly sensitive person